Why do I care what other people think!

It is difficult to comprehend ...

... especially when you are trying to read blank pages.

posted by inhas @ 7:43 PM 3 comments

Conspiracy Theory

A tete-a-tete with a theory
A little conspiracy, a little fury
Who decides? Where is the jury?
One basic truth will set the world in revelry

In Da Vinci, brown lays down a code
For which Langdon and Sophie rode
Teabing throwing private matters overboard
Private life not so private, yet the public is bored

Saunière's design for Magdalene's race
The holy grail lost without a trace
The church losing a little face
Yet the book ending without a zilch of grace.

P.S. When in bed, stay in bed. Otherwise things like these happen in 8 A.M. classes

posted by inhas @ 5:53 AM 3 comments

a few drops fell.....

tonight i yearned for a good rain,
but only a few drops fell,
and that too not from the sky ....

posted by inhas @ 10:24 PM 2 comments

Right or Wrong????

I am back would have to do for the beginning line of this post for the lack of better imagination on my part. Come to think of it the most difficult moments in life is to get things started (for me atleast). When the ship finally hit top knots, it is mostly smooth sailing until you get to the docking station again. Being stuck-at-Intel working on stuck-at-0 and stuck-at-1 faults has made me realize a few more things about myself. As one of my friends put sometimes in life i get stuck at somethings and cannot move until i have resolved them and at times I also get stuck with the resolve of not trying to solve a problem even when I see it would become a major pain if not eradicated all of a sudden.

I have been reading a lot in my spare time now-a-days. A lot means more than my share of quota from the regular semester days. But I have some times realized while reading that the book is going to do more harm to me than good. Nothing has come 'good' out of this my reading habit if you would call it. Except a thirst to devour more and a desire to know where my life is heading?. I am not much of a reader but somehow whenever I read, some lines stay with me and I come to recall them at the most unexpected of moments. Its not like I make a point to remember the lines but if something related comes up I am sure that line would pop out on its own. Right now, the books I have read have left a lot many questions in my head without little answers for them. It all started some years ago. I read that book English August, which left me a little disturbed, no not that, I would prefer the use of the word 'dagmagaya hua' as in the hindi phrase for a rocking ship. How was I to grasp the enormity of what the author was trying to convey when I could not fully associate with what being 'stoned' meant. I reread the book this summer and some how the ease with which the protaganist Agastya keeps on getting stoned keeps me thinking if I could even smoke a cigarette with that much ease let alone pot. Are my sense of morals my own or just borrowed set of ones, ones which have been ingrained into my head? Waise if I am allowed a little leeway, I would say that a book is like a water body . Or types of waterbodies. All of them reflect the state you are in. And you can see anything you want to if you are adept at listening to the sounds of silence or of calm water. Some are like lakes, calm and quiet, some are oceans where the tides rock the shore and some are like rivers, you just go with the flow. I remember identifying 'Old Man and the Sea' as the most pessimistic book I had ever read in one of my not so good moods when on a second read it turned out to quite the opposite. Everything in life depends on from where you are seeing the things. I have also realized lately in trying to understand somebodies else problem the best way is to get into their shoes and see the picture from his or her point of view.

Actually I used to think Hesse Siddhartha had the most effect on me as an individual. I thought that was the book that left the desire to seek myself in this world , a desire to know who I actually was. It has that line about wisdom being different from knowledge which kept me worked up for quite sometime. At one point I used to think that book told me everything that was to be thought about. I mean if I one day I could have wisdom (as If I just had to raise enough money to buy it in some bookstore), I could be hopefully more happy or at peace. But the second Hesse "Narcissus and Goldmund" conveyed that there was no eternal happiness or peace, you had to win over you peace each day little by little. But then I read something by Murakami this week said, If a single book tells you everything you ever thought was to know, then that thing is not worth knowing in the first case. Right or Wrong???? Two more lines have kept me thinking this summer. One is from Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray" which said " The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it". Right or Wrong???? The other is from this Krishnamurthy "This matter of Culture" book about "Why is that when we get angry with someone we love, that anger is so intense?". Actually the second question was supposed to be something else but It skipped my mind as soon as my fingers went for the letters on the keyboard.

Which brings to the realization I have had this summer. And that is I am very 'in the moment' kind of person. I read a book and I am into it with everything I have if I am liking it. But if somebody asks me the name of the lead protaganist some time later, 99% chances are I would get it wrong instead of right. Sometimes I come up with things even I wonder later how I came up with. Was it pure chance or luck or what was the source from within me from where the answer popped up? Being in the moment has its pros and cons. I can surprise people at times with the things I come up but sometimes I am also surprised that I came up with them. I desire to be consistent but what I come up with is moments of genius, moments of stupidity, moments of intense passion and moments of intense anger also. I don't know why I yearn for some consistency like some of my friends have or appear to have in their life. I read this line somewhere being experienced just means that you have made more mistakes in life. Right or Wrong????

At one point I decided I will not read any more cause the answers always remained elusive. I can sometimes clearly see what the lock looks like but the key always keeps on slipping away from my hands. But then "Franny and Zooey" came up and said that greed for spiritual , intellectual satisfaction is also eventually greed. So what is wrong in being greedy once in a while. Right or wrong????? Though i think this is a better line from this work

Everything everybody does is so--I don't know--not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and--sad-making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you're conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way.

I could go on and on . But I want more chai . So i leave you with this question from Sputnik Sweetheart by Murakami.

Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?

RIGHT OR WRONG?????

posted by inhas @ 11:26 AM 14 comments

Of things said and unsaid...

Dramatic Effects often have distant, even subtle, causes. Things that gather momentum start with a little small push. I have realized that I have hurt a lot of people who have crossed me by in my journey in life and not so unsurprisingly I have also been hurt by some people. That is life I agree. There was a time when I believed my way of life was right and I thought I knew my friends well enough to tell them what I thought right according to my way. Then I got into the thought process that maybe I didnot have a real 'way' in my life at all (A little digression, my friend says that once you start 'the' thought process, it does not stop. I hope to the contrary.). And with that I decided to keep my power to affect's people lives inside me. I say so cause I believe everybody affects things that are happening around us, in some small way and another.

With this realization has come another one. How things that are buried and kept silent slowly eat you from inside and slowly leave you hollow. Words, both spoken and unspoken, can leave scars that keep hurting for a long time. An inoccuous sounding comment can hurt more than the speaker can imagine. Some thorns get so deeply buried in the heart that they bring out a side of us we never knew existed when they are taken out. But I have also felt that people get hurt by things that are not spoken when they should have been. Of scars that get caused when people keep things within or tell to late. I do not know which scars hurt more, of things spoken or of things not spoken. I think they are scars of different kinds. People with hearts can take things to heart that were never said. Atleast I do and some times I know it too. And then it hurts me more. Which of the greater devil to side with is a question that I have no answer in words , both spoken and unspoken. I hope there is atleast somebody who knows. I hope one day I will be that somebody.

posted by inhas @ 7:15 PM 8 comments

The myth of the Phoenix

'My father liked to wonder aloud whether the phoenix was re-created by the fire of is funeral pyre or transformed so that what emerged was a soul-less shadow of its former being, identical in appearance but without the joy in life its predecessor had had. He wondered alternatively whether the fire might have be purificatory, a redemptive, rejuvenating blaze that destroyed the withered shell of the old phoenix and allowed the creature's essence to emerge stronger than it was before in a young, new body. Or, he would ask, was the fire a manifestation of entropy, slowly sapping the life-energy of the phoenix over the eons, a little death in a life that could know no beginning and no end but which could nonetheless be subject to an ever-decreasing magnitude? He asked me once if I thought the fires in our lives, the traumas, increased our fulfillment by setting up contrasts that illuminated more clearly our everyday joys; or perhaps I viewed them instead as tests that made us stronger by teaching us to endure; or did I believe, rather, that they simply amplified what we already were, in the end making the strong stronger, the weak weaker, and the dangerous deadly?'

credited to Professor Julius Superb
an unforgettable character from the book
Moth Smoke by Mohsin Hamid

posted by inhas @ 12:10 PM 15 comments

Back to the past: love, lies and laws

This post is dedicated to all the kids that lie asleep inside all of us and to one special "kid" in particular.

Impossible also says i'm possible. A cliched line, but impossible things do happen. This blog is a kind example (lots of people said in the beginning). If regulars on my blog (if there are any), would have noticed, by the apparent lack of posts in the recent past, I am nearly back to what other people think, and i do not want me to slip back in my cosy little rabbit's fur burrow. Good things have come out of my philosophy of not caring what other people think . and in lots of old things I do not give a damn even now. But Some of my beliefs are changing so rapidly that i do not what i believe in more now a days. And tonight is going to be a post to get my what do you care spirit back.
Around one month back I had read this line which has become my favourite (said for a character Narcissus)
"All was mind to him, even love; he was unable to give in to an attraction without thinking about it first."
And I have applied it without fail in the past losing out on lot occasions, of friends, of moments of happiness and of joys and sorrows. There are some matters in this world where the head does not work and it should not work. What feels right is right. I neither have the desire nor the skill to put what i feel into words. But I must, for until then some fears will exist and fears I know are very difficult to overcome. I am beginning to believe in fate. Life has always been a series of coincidental decisions on hindsight in making what it is today. So it was meeting some one who is so similar to you that you could feel that you could tell all you wanted to say without saying a single word at all. When silence is treasured more than words, when a smile on her face speaks more than thousand words. Somebodies elses happiness has never bought so much happiness in my life. All the past notions have vanished from my head , but some of the new ones are pretty hard to implement in real life. I am tired of fearing people's sly remarks. I am trying. So here goes nothing
I love her for who she is and I do not want to lose her coz of some stupid mistakes.
I will plagiarize Lodha's line " I know I am not perfect (though she claims I am ;-)) , and I know neither are you, but I feel We are perfect each other."
She has given me strength beyond measure, I have gone through tough times lately, taken a lot of tough decisions and some decisions still in making. I have one more reason not to "fail" now, cause she gets happy when she sees the "focus" back in my eyes and I get happy when she feels relaxed and happy.
True to her nature she has resurrected me back . And now I believe finally in my life I have written down a proof for 2+2 = 4.

Taking a bow, Yahoo!!!!

posted by inhas @ 6:49 PM 10 comments